FUNNY SIDE UP: Your dog loves you, and my cat doesn’t care

FUNNY SIDE UP: Your dog loves you, and my cat doesn’t care
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When dogs and their owners are in the same general vicinity (in the case of Saskatchewan, 100 miles apart in a wheat field) clinical studies show both parties exude a mutual affection hormone called oxytocin.  (No, it’s not the stuff used to make crystal blue meth. You have binge-watched too much of Breaking Bad.)

From fetching sticks to chasing woolly mammoths, man’s best friend (I thought it was an NFL game) has always been there by our side, an admiring sidekick. Too boot, studies prove dogs associate their owner’s smell to something akin to enjoyable. (I have very few friends who I associate with any specific smell except one –and he eats too much broccoli. And his smell is not enjoyable by even a dog’s broad standard.)

On the flip side, if malicious researchers wanted to go the whole nine yards, they would find the antidote (to liking a pet owner’s smell) in a very likely place – in cats. The only difference between my cat and a piece of furniture is I don’t ever have to dust my cat.

That’s why I have a cat. She stays far enough away not to be affected by whiffs of Vic’s Summer Swamp Breeze scent. My cat wants nothing to do with me on even a good day (upwind.) As proof, I did my own research: I rubbed my hands and face with canned tuna just to see if she would exude oxytoxin (Sounds better with an x.) My cat did, in fact, mosey up to me perhaps thinking I had tuna in my pocket. But after a quick look over – short of a frisk – she realized there was no tuna, and she just rolled her eyes and muttered something in cat-speak which I know meant, “Idiot.” (She learned that from my wife, which proves you can train cats.)

Despite cats being terminally indifferent to us humans, experts insist cats are just as good as dogs at learning. They just don’t want to. In my book, that makes them actually smarter than dogs… and humans. You may as well try training a tree. My cat waits until I am having my supper before plopping in front of me to lick herself top to bottom. (I usually say the same thing to her: “Tastes like chicken, huh?”) Turned off my dinner, I eat quickly and leave the room. She immediately jumps into my vacated, cushioned dining chair. (Who is training who?)

Your dog makes you feel like you are the sun, all radiant and life-giving. My cat has that perennial Clint Eastwood “Go ahead. Make my day,” expression.

Your dog loves you. My cat wouldn’t need me if she could work a can opener and open the door on her own. And the only time she ever rubs up against my leg is when she has brushed past a wall of wet paint or is trying to dislodge clumping kitty litter.

Your dog loves you unconditionally. My cat is silently waiting for the Mother Ship loaded with cat/aliens to land so she can finally take her rightful place in The Planet of the Cats (as opposed to Apes.)

Your dog can’t wait for you to come home. My cat would install extra locks on the door if she could.

Your dog lies dutifully beside your bed at night while you sleep. My bushwacking cat positions herself every morning before sunup at the top of my stairs so I might trip over her in the dark and tumble down the stairs.

(Okay, I am just kidding about all this. Mostly.)

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